I didn’t understand why I kept getting close to things that burned me.
Why I kept walking into fires – public shame, ruined events, courtrooms, betrayal, even self-exposure disguised as spirituality. I thought I was searching for healing, but I was always drawn to intensity. To truth. To something real enough to scorch.
It took years to admit it, but I finally understand:
I am the Moth.
The moth is not the butterfly. It doesn’t wait politely for daylight. It doesn’t flutter in front of flowers. The moth craves the flame. It seeks heat, even when it destroys. The moth is ugly to some, poetic to others. And I realized that’s what I’ve been all along – not a man trying to save face, but a man trying to save soul. Alchemy is what gave me the map.
What Alchemy Really Is (And Isn’t)
People think alchemy is about turning lead into gold. But that was never the point.
Real alchemy is spiritual. It’s the process of burning away everything false until what’s left is pure. It’s about facing your shadow – the parts of yourself you buried, hated, lied about – and choosing to sit with them, not run from them. It’s about dying while still alive.
And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
Not just since the public backlash. Not just since the court case. Not just since my face was on Channel 5. This journey started long before. In childhood. In care. In loneliness. In rooms where no one came to help. That’s where I first met the shadow.
The First Transmutation: Shame Into Story
I used to be owned by shame. Owned by the labels. Owned by the things people googled about me.
But alchemy teaches that everything has the potential to transform – even shame.
So I began writing. First just to scream into the void. Then to make sense of it all. And now, to transmute it. That’s what these blog posts are. They are spells. Not to trick the world, but to rewrite the spell I was under.
Instead of “Billy Coull: scammer, sex offender, joke,” I started writing a new equation:
Hurt child + broken system + unmet needs + desperate longing = a man who made mistakes, but who also dared to change.
I linked this in my earlier post “The Billy Coull Vaccine Conspiracy That Wasn’t About a Vaccine” – because that wasn’t a book. It was a symptom. A cry. A glyph of confusion etched into digital code. I can see that now. That’s the alchemy. Seeing it without hating it.
The Symbol of the Moth
So why do I say, “I am the Moth”?
Because the moth is drawn to the flame – not to die, but to be transformed.
Because I’ve spent years in the dark, and I’ve learned to navigate by instinct.
Because I didn’t want comfort – I wanted truth, even if it hurt.
Because every step I took toward healing involved pain. And I went anyway.
The moth is the alchemist’s spirit animal. It doesn’t just accept fire. It needs it. That’s me. And maybe, if you’re reading this, it’s you too.
Where I Am Now
So how is Billy Coull now?
Still burning. Still transforming. Still learning to stop mistaking pain for proof of worth.
But also: calmer. More still. Less reactive. Writing more. Walking more. Saying less unless it matters. Not trying to fix people, or prove anything. Just trying to be real – without the costume.
I don’t know what comes next. I’m not pretending anymore. But I do know this:
I will keep walking toward the light, even if it burns.
I am not here to be liked.
I am here to become whole.
I am the Moth.
Next Suggested Post: Public Enemy: The Invention of Billy Coull
Related Reading:
The Strange, Hollow World of the Billy Coull AI Books
Billy Coull, Metaphysical Doctor