There will come a day, maybe sooner than I hope,
when you’ll type my name into a search bar.
You’ll find headlines.
Comments.
Jokes.
Anger.
Maybe even shame.
You’ll read versions of me that I didn’t write.
People who never met me
telling the story like they lived it.
And before you find my voice,
you might find theirs.
This is for that day.
This is for you.
I Wasn’t Always the Man I Wanted You to Know
There were times I got it wrong.
Really wrong.
Times I chased things instead of protecting people.
Times I thought attention was proof I mattered.
Times I lost track of who I was
and forgot who I was supposed to be for you.
None of that is your fault.
And none of it changes how much I loved you
even when I didn’t know how to show it properly.
You were never absent from my heart.
Only from the parts of my life
where I couldn’t find stability.
They’ll Tell You About My Mistakes
They’ll say I failed.
And they’re right.
I did.
They’ll say I caused harm.
And they’re right about that too.
But what they won’t tell you
is how many nights I sat in silence
wondering how to become someone you’d be proud of
instead of someone you had to defend.
What they won’t say
is how many letters I wrote to you that I never sent
because I didn’t want to put more weight on your world.
What they don’t know
is how often I said your name quietly
like a prayer
hoping that one day, if we ever spoke again,
you would hear the truth in my voice
and not just the stories you read about me.
I Can’t Rewrite the Headlines. But I Can Tell You This:
You didn’t break me.
You didn’t leave me.
You didn’t stop loving me.
I broke.
I disappeared.
I pulled away.
I shut down.
I chose silence when I should have fought for presence.
But I never stopped being your dad.
Even when I didn’t deserve the title.
If You Never Read This, I Still Meant Every Word
I don’t write this to reopen wounds
or to pressure you into seeing me differently.
I write this because no matter what version of me the world hands you
you deserve the one I carry in my chest
every time I think of you.
And if this is the only time you ever hear from me
let it be this:
I love you.
I see the ways I failed.
And I am doing everything I can
to become someone who deserves to be known by you again.
Final Thought
I know I might never get the chance to say these things in person.
But I still wanted you to hear them.
Not in a headline.
Not through someone else’s voice.
But from mine.
From the man who once collapsed
and has been learning, slowly and painfully,
how to rebuild without pretending anymore.
To my daughter—
if you ever hear the other version first—
please know there’s another one.
This one.
Me.