This is the question no one asks out loud
but everyone carries in their eyes
when they look at me.
How do you live with yourself?
How do you keep going after everything?
The answer isn’t simple.
It isn’t inspiring.
It isn’t clean.
But it’s honest.
I Live With It Because I Refuse to Pretend It Didn’t Happen
Every day, I remember.
What I said.
What I did.
What I ignored.
What I broke.
Who I hurt.
It’s not a fleeting thought.
It’s a part of my morning.
Like checking the weather
or making coffee.
I don’t forget.
I don’t get to.
But I don’t try to erase it, either.
Trying to forget your mistakes is how they grow back
stronger
sharper
hidden behind better language.
I’d rather keep them where I can see them.
I Don’t Just Carry It. I Work With It.
Living with what I did doesn’t mean walking around with my head down.
It means showing up differently now.
-
I double check my impact, not just my intent.
-
I apologise in full sentences.
-
I take breaks before I respond.
-
I listen without shaping the answer in my head.
-
I stay where I would have once run.
These aren’t personality traits.
They’re practices.
They’re discipline.
Living with what I did means I build things slower.
Speak less often.
Mean more with fewer words.
Not because I’m afraid of being caught.
But because I know what happens when you speak without checking who might bleed.
I Don’t Try to Win Anyone Back
Living with it also means knowing some people won’t ever come back.
Some won’t forgive.
Some don’t want to read this.
And I respect that.
I’m not writing to change their mind.
I’m writing to stay aligned with my own.
Because the only way to rebuild without performing
is to do the work whether anyone is watching or not.
I’ve lost too much already.
I refuse to lose myself to shame
or the performance of healing.
I Don’t Wear Guilt. I Wear Change.
There’s a difference between punishment and accountability.
Between guilt and growth.
I don’t punish myself anymore.
That’s not noble.
That’s not useful.
That’s not healing.
But I do hold myself to account.
Every day.
With my actions.
With my words.
With how I treat people.
With what I don’t say
and what I now have the courage to say.
That’s how I live with it.
Not by running from it
but by walking through it with my eyes open.
Final Thought
I know what I did.
I know what it cost.
I know who I became in the worst moments of my life.
But I also know this.
I didn’t crawl out of that collapse to pretend it never happened.
I crawled out so I could live better.
Slower.
Quieter.
Truer.
And if you’ve ever asked
how someone like me lives with what they did
the answer is simple.
I don’t escape it.
I live with it.
And I live with it by changing how I live now.