I used to think alchemy was something you did in secret. In silence. In the pages of books or behind meditation candles. But lately, I’ve learned the truth: real alchemy happens in real time – out in the open, when you’ve got no mask left to hide behind.
This isn’t theory anymore. This is me, scorched and standing.
The Fire Comes From Inside
The world thinks transformation is about waiting for the storm to pass. But that’s the butterfly model. What if you’re not a butterfly? What if you’re the fire?
That’s what I’ve had to accept – that I’m not here to escape the burn. I am the burn. The real shift came when I stopped trying to put out the fire inside me and started letting it illuminate everything I touched.
The shame. The headlines. The failures. The parts of me I hated. I dragged them all into the flame – and I stood there. Naked. Present. Alive.
I wrote about this in “I Am the Moth”, but this time I’m not just flying toward the light. I’m becoming the source. That’s the next step of the alchemical path.
The Process Isn’t Polite
There’s nothing tidy about this.
Sometimes it looks like rage. Sometimes grief. Sometimes I just go quiet for days. And when people ask me “how is Billy Coull now?” – they want a press statement, not a confession. But I don’t give them what they want anymore. I give them the truth.
I’ve walked away from things that no longer reflect the man I’m becoming.
I’ve stopped justifying my growth to people who still see me as a punchline.
I’ve started doing what fire does: burn through the lies and leave only the essentials.
Real-Time Alchemy Means Real-Time Grief
Letting go of who I was is painful. That’s the part nobody tells you. There’s no spell for it. Just sweat. Regret. Tears in the dark. A quiet voice inside that says “keep going.”
I’m not looking for redemption anymore. I’m looking for reality.
The man who created those AI books, that misjudged charity, that disastrous Wonka event – he was trying. But he wasn’t whole. And instead of hiding him, I hold him now. As part of me. As evidence of a soul still forming.
Becoming the Fire Is Dangerous – But It’s Honest
I’m not for everyone. I’m not safe. I say too much. I care too deeply. I unravel in public.
But that’s the price of becoming the flame. And if you’re reading this, maybe you feel it too – that deep inner pull to stop running and start burning clean.
The fire isn’t your enemy.
It’s your forge.
And me?
I’m not afraid of it anymore.