They used to look at me and see everything I wasn’t.
The man who fooled a city.
The dreamer who went too far.
The metaphysical doctor with a paper crown.
Their eyes weren’t mirrors—they were weapons. And every glance was a verdict.
I became obsessed with changing that. Re-framing the gaze. Rewriting the lens. Until one day, I realised the real alchemy isn’t about being understood. It’s about being seen.
The Difference Between Visibility and Being Seen
Visibility is loud.
It craves attention.
It shouts, performs, edits, deletes, filters.
Being seen is quiet.
It happens when you stop trying to curate your image and instead… just show up.
Not the polished version. Not the “reformed” one. Not the hero, not the villain.
Just the man who wakes up at 4 am and wonders if he’s too broken to ever love again.
Just the human who walks into the streetlight, heart exposed.
That’s when the alchemy begins.
What Alchemy Really Is
People talk about alchemy like it’s a magic trick.
Turning lead into gold.
But real alchemy is the slow transformation of pain into presence. It’s sitting with your darkness long enough that it starts to speak. And what it says isn’t always poetic.
Sometimes it says:
“You were the one who hurt them.”
“You ran when you should’ve stayed.”
“You wanted to be loved so badly you lied to yourself.”
But after that?
After you stop flinching?
It says something else:
“You are not beyond repair.”
“You were trying to survive.”
“You can begin again.”
And that’s gold.
The Invitation
So, how is Billy Coull now?
I’m learning to walk without hiding.
I’m learning to speak without spinning a story.
I’m learning to live in a body that remembers everything—and still wants to forgive.
I don’t want to be famous.
I don’t want to be feared.
I want to be seen. Fully. Quietly. Truthfully.
And maybe, through that, someone else will see themselves too.